Early this morning, for some unknown reason, I stumbled across an old post by a blogger, The Farmer's Wifee. Here's the link: Nov 14, 2019 . To save you time, it's about not receiving the same amount of respect as the farmer (presumably male) due to women identifying as a farmer's wife instead of simply a farmer.

I was once a farmer un-married. Then I was a married farmer. I am now an un-married farmer, again. I have experienced title discrimination from different phases and times of my entire life.

At one time, when the world was not so disconnected from their friends in agriculture, they KNEW what the title of "farm wife" involved. They KNEW what she was doing, what her roles were, and all that was involved. Unfortunately we no longer live in this era. The title "farm wife" means just that. You're married to a farmer. Naturally when people un-familiar to ag see this, they think the farmer is the go-to person. Not the farmer's wife.

Consider this non-ag example:

A couple, who are both licensed therapists, opens a practice together. You seek guidance at their practice and have your choice of who to speak to. If one of them calls themselves "the therapist's wife" instead of "therapist", who are you going to assume is more skilled, appropriately trained, and educated? Even though they both have credentials, education, ongoing training and experience, she discounts her credibility by identifying as the "the therapist's wife". It's the same with farming. Of all my married friends, the farmers are the only ones who will introduce themselves as a "farm wife". If you have copious amounts of time, I believe I have another post about this, either here or on the FB page. It is not anti-women. It is not anti-wife. It is in fact, just the opposite. It is about first RESPECTING yourself by putting yourself on the same level as our male counterparts and referring to yourself as a "farmer". You are a FARMER. If you happen to marry one as well, that's great too!

But just like someone walking into a couple's therapist office, they are going to use the titles to decide who they deal with. Who they believe knows the most. As farmers, we're dealing with a completely different culture than we did in our formative years. If you are going to title yourself as a "farm wife", you will be treated as such.

Speaking of formative years:

In my early days as a farmer, being young AND female, being respected was an issue. At both my parents farm and my internship farms, my employer would often have to circle back in my defense, when businesses we worked with would not respect my requests or direction. At the local FSA office, they would not even give me an application for a beginning farmer loan (illegal, by the way). That particular loan officer said "grazing doesn't work. By the way, you're female, you'll never make it.".

Well, we all know how that turned out.

In my married years, I was first mistaken as the hired help. People would drive into the yard and ask "where's the boss?". I would then ask what I could help them with, knowing at that very moment it was a no-sale, but I thought I should still be respectful and hear them out. NOW, if that happens I just say "not here right now, but I'll let them know that you stopped." and I save myself the time of their sales pitch. 😀 If they assume that I'm not the boss or manager, I assume they don't need our money.

Now, in my later days as an un-married female farmer with quite a few more grey hairs, I don't run into the former issues quite as often, but rather a new set of barriers to navigate. First, the lack of belonging. If you are a female and a farmer, yet not married, you don't really fit in with the Farm Wife Club. You don't get invited to the shopping days, the retreats, and when you do and decide to try it out, you find yourself with nothing to say or contribute, due to not having a husband to complain (and eventually praise) about. You're not real crafty and order pizza FAR more times for field meals than the others, which really limits your ability to carry the conversation on recipes. So you find yourself among the farmer group, in which you learn to disregard the occasion inappropriate comment and/or degrading remark and talk "farm". But you have to be real careful here, as well, because being not married, you can also be viewed as a threat from their wives' point of view. It's a very tricky road to navigate, folks.

There is a whole group of young, middle age, and older un-married female farmers doing what they love, essentially....by themselves.

Which brings me to the "why" of this LONG post. 

In the barn today, after re-reading that post, I read that it was National Women's Equality Day.  You can imagine (maybe you can't) how this could get me fired up. As we milked and I felt that flame start to burn, I thought....oh boy....here we go. Ha. Ha. Ha. 

Please join me on my soap box. I can argue both sides.

When I was younger, the discrimination was very discouraging, and I do believe I (and other women) had to work harder than my male counterparts to gain other's respect, especially when it comes to farming. It was harder to get funding. It was harder to be heard. It [discrimination] did exist and probably still does today, to a degree.

On the other hand,

Women cannot cry for equal pay if they are not willing or able to do equal work. I could make more money if I did some of the things I hire out. I choose not to.

Women cannot cry for equality if they don't respect themselves the same to start with. You cannot call yourself a farm wife, then complain when you're not treated the same as the one who calls themselves the farmer.

I believe some women don't realize all that they are asking for when they scream for equality. Do they really want to carry the burdens that many men carry? The responsibilities? I am carrying them now. Sometimes I love it, sometimes not so much. If you want to earn the living of those cleaning out the sewer, well then, you need to jump in there and get it done. And not expect recognition or gratitude for it.

Life is not fair. It never will be. Just do the best you can with what you know, where you are, what you got, and stop selling yourself short. We can do that EVERY DAY. 

The Northern Perspective

As you all have heard, and have moved on from, the south had quite the weather event a few weeks ago. While you may think I'm late to game, or you're tired of hearing about it already (you deal with this all the time, right?), we just arrived home from our two week annual family leave...in Texas.

It changed me.

It changed us.

I found myself embarrassed to be from a region of many who mocked, scolded, laughed, and made jokes of the Texans who they claimed "were not prepared". These statements coming from people who had being prepared for winter engrained into their souls from birth along with all the proper tools to do so. They view it as a little cold spell, not the deep freeze that lasted incredibly longer than anticipated.

It truly was the 100 yr storm.  If you really think about that, you will realize most Texans have not experienced this weather in their lifetime. Never. They have never drove in it. They have never had to worry about pipes freezing. They have never had to have our idea of heavy coats, 4 wheel drive vehicles, alternative heat sources. Their infrastructure is not set up for those single digit temps with negative wind chills. That is not their fault. When they were told to prepare, they did so-from their previous experience with storms-and bought maybe a couple extra bottles of water and some snacks.

***

We left on the 12th in the later afternoon, staying on the Indiana / Illinois border. We woke up to no water at that hotel, and were on the road by 6am. As the day progressed and the weather reports came out, I stopped at a Kroger's and bought a few days worth of groceries, bottled water, and Gatorade. I don't ever buy Gatorade, I must have been nervous! The temps dropped with every mile south we drove, it seemed, and our groceries kept perfectly in the bed of the truck. I had already thrown in a few extra throw blankets. I never let the fuel gauge go below a half of a tank. As we neared our next planned stop in Texarkana, I struggled with deciding whether to drive the rest of it through or stopping. Freezing rain was expected to start overnight, and getting as far as we could seemed to be a better idea. However the friends I text and 6 people lacking showers made me choose to stop. We cleaned up, ate supper, took a nap. We were on the road at 3:15am. Love those farm kids!

We should not have stopped. Two hours in we had to lock in the hubs, and the rest of the day was no more than 40 mph, most of it between 25mph and 30mph. On a sheet of ice. I know that is a phrase around here, but literally, everything was covered in ice. There was no grabbing the dirt on the shoulder of the road or getting to that next dry patch. There is no following the road commission truck after they scrape and salt. Heck, there are no road commission trucks. It took us 14.5 hrs. to do a 6.5 hr. trip. One wrong jerky movement and we would have spun out, game over. No pressure, right? I was prepared. As long as we weren't smashed in between semi's we would be fine. I'm not exaggerating when I say I prayed out loud (and not the yelling type 😉) and after being just behind of, or just ahead of multiple pile ups, it's by nothing but the grace of God that we made it. 

I kept going because it was just going to get worse as time went on (and it did). I would rather be hunkered down at our location than in a hotel room in Arkansas, paying for both accommodations. 

The storm was predicted to last into that Monday, then by Tuesday it would be better. Wrong.

Overnight Sunday snow moved into the area. Our building alarm went off early that morning, pipes broke on the 2nd floor. We were on the 4th floor. This was just the beginning of it.

The night before I had opened all the faucets in our unit and let them drip. As they began to rotate power, we had somewhat of a routine. Power on-charge devices, shower, run laundry, fill bathtubs with water to flush the toilets. Fill pots and pans with water on the stove. Do as much school work as we could, cook food for the next meal, open all the bedroom doors to let the unit warm up. Power off-shut bedroom door and put towels down to stop the draft getting to the interior pipes. Read, write in journals, when the weather permitted (after a few days), go for walks.

A few more systems went through dropping an additional 6 inches of snow on top of all this.

It was yet another great learning opportunity for the kids. At home we have a 48kw generator and well water. They would not necessarily know how to operate if they didn't have this opportunity and training. They would have continued to take for granted what they (we northerners) know about how to prepare for winter storms. They would have missed the opportunity to see that sometimes God uses what one considers to be everyday habits and common knowledge to help other people.  Even as things got better, we had a great conversation on why we had to boil the water and brain eating amoebas.

Here's a few snapshots of conversations I had with close friends as they checked in helped me monitor the situation.

Here's the good stuff. We were able to help people, and they felt like they could ask. We laughed as we crammed 8 people into the truck to go to the store. We teared up a bit as they offered us what groceries they had left when their stay was done. The boys volunteered to bag groceries at the store when they had only two employees show up. The helped unload generators, carry elderly people's items across the icy ground. The younger kids hauled coolers of snow up 4 outdoor flights of stairs so we had water to flush. They were reminded of the good ol' days without internet. While they were sheltered still from the realities that people died, that people STILL don't have water, that people were burning furniture and using up all their gas staying warm in their cars...not knowing the trucks weren't coming to replenish it for while, they got a taste of what to be grateful for and coming together as a community, even if just for a little bit.

On Friday the 19th they moved us to a different unit that had water. We had to boil it, but that wasn't an inconvenience after going without completely for almost 4 days. We were able to salvage vacation some as the weather got nicer. We went to the rodeo, the Lyndon B Johnson historical site and ranch, the Natural Bridge Caverns, Faust Bridge, and a few of our favorite local spots. 

Another trip for the record books. 

What is not challenging for us, is very challenging for others. Instead of poking fun at them we can share what we know to help. I'm sure at some point we will all get a chance at being on both sides.

Back to work. 

Performance Pressure

There is so much performance pressure in life now that even how we spend our time off is causing anxiety. At least for me.

 

“Live in the moment”

“You don’t get this moment back”

“You only live once”

“Make the best of every moment”

“Your kids don’t get any younger”

“You don’t get a second chance”

We now have a check list of the relaxing, stress relieving things that we need to accomplish on our days off, causing more stress. Really?

 Coffee in the quiet. ✔

Run in the sunrise (crap, missed that because I was having coffee)

Sleep (how am I supposed to sleep if I am supposed to catch the sunrise?)

 

Catch up on personal projects (relaxing?)

Catch up with a good friend (but wait, I’m supposed to be spending time with the kids. I don’t get those moments back….)

I really struggle with this. I am literally torn between enjoying my coffee in the quiet, reading my devotions, thinking, or having a just a few cups and getting that morning run in, or sleeping.  My time off is so limited that I feel like if I don’t get it  just right I’ve wasted the day.

This is ridiculous. And how in the world did we get this way?

This morning I choose the coffee route. I read more than usual. I sat there longer than I should have. #1 came in from chores, the rest got up. We all sat in various spots in the kitchen. At a quarter till 8 I voiced how we should “get going”, how “we’re late getting started",  and “what should we do first?”  Along with, “I wonder what other people do on their day off.” With very loud laughter that defines my house, #1 said “They’re still sleeping!” and mimicking our former FSA officer, #2 said “this is NOT normal!” LOL. Love these kids.

Honestly….there are a few times when I just don’t tell people if I’m not being productive. If I just sat there and did nothing.  It’s not very often (oh look, back on defense) but even then I don’t want to subject myself to the judgment of the world of whether I am using my time appropriately, making the best use of every moment that we don’t get back.

It’s true-we don’t know if we get a “tomorrow”.  But worrying about that in itself is really wrecking today.

I don’t have the answer. I have a love / hate relationship with social media where we see how others are spending their time “off”, and subconsciously comparing ourselves to that. Automatically, without even realizing it. Maybe it’s less social media…somehow. But not until I share this on social media.

It’s now almost 9am. I’ve got coffee in and an impromptu blog post. That’s it. On the schedule for the day is our normal Saturday house chores, hopefully some bale moving and wrapping, and a few other odds and ends off the farm list. Better get going! I got to make sure I leave time for that check list above…

 

In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly. Psalm 5:3

 

The Truth....About Vacation.

Ha Ha Ha.....

A continuing frustration about a trip with the kids is other's expectations. They want to hear and imagine this fairy tale break from the farm where everyone is smiling and rested and laughing together, where I get "time to myself" (?).

In reality, kids still fight. You just can't discipline them quite the same (or as loudly), they still get sick, they still misbehave, they still want to eat. Not just the normal but EXTRA because it's "vacation". There is still laundry, dishes, food prep, activity planning, school work (for all). Everybody goes everywhere. Together. Groceries, everything. No, the older boys were not intended for watching the youngers. One does not simply leave kids in a condo unattended in a different state. Your phone goes exceptionally quiet because for some reason people think you want uninterrupted time with the kids and zero adult conversation what so ever. Because we don't spend every day together at home......

Why? Why...if it's so exhausting, somewhat expensive (relatively speaking, we do good here), stressful, etc.?

Because to be truly off you have to be absent. Physically not available.  Because I believe, while book learning is important, what they learn on these trips cannot be taught through books. It has to experienced. Because I have to have a break, if only for a few weeks. It's more like a "pause", the list will still be there. However if I'm not at home, I can't work on it. Because people don't understand that even if you're "off" at home, your mind is still working. You're only "off" if everyone shows up and there is not an emergency.

Was it exhausting? Yes.
Was it worth it? Yes.
Will I do it again? Yes.

Check out this post to learn how we organize and afford our yearly adventure. The Trip by the Numbers

A few things I did differently:

I wonder which unit is ours......

Nothing is more frustrating to color-coded kids than 5 white towels. I brought the colored cups as well. A lot less laundry and dishes to wash!

This year our per person / per day cost was $27.00. Slightly higher than last year, even with lower fuel costs, due to a few great activity ideas of my own.

A few places we experienced:
CrossPointe Community Church
Waldo-Way Dairy
Southwest Dairy Center
Waco / Magnolia
Planetarium
Waterpark
Valvoline Instant Oil Change. (No joke. They thought this was "the best thing ever"!)
Liberty Hall (Tracy Byrd)
Texas Freshwater Fisheries
Texas Small Farmers & Ranchers (Triple B Ranch)
Tyler State Park
Fort Worth Stockyards (including Cow Coliseum)
Canton Trading Days
Gator & Friends wild animal park

As I said in previous vacation posts, I don't share all this to boast or brag that we got away, but hopefully to help you take the leap to spend time with your family.  Yes, you have to take time off of work....I have to PAY people to do the work that the boys and I do at home.  If you have vacation time available, use some of it for fun-not just for doctor appointments and such. Just....Go.  After you save up the funds, of course!

A Summer Recap

While vacation is well within our past, Summer is almost behind us as well.  The farm has ticked along as it should with a few hiccups here and there. 

We went into calving season with Carhartts on until April 15th (the last snow) but successfully calved out 150 cows pretty quickly.  We are currently milking 146.

A goal of mine this year was to take first cutting off the pasture first in May, in order to gain a higher quality feed and quicker regrowth on the pasture. We pulled this off and I am happy with the results!  We also have an excellent crop of alfalfa coming up, in which we harvested a cover crop of oatlage off of.  Given it was the third time we seeded that piece of ground, we are exceptionally grateful to see it flourish.

Breeding season is coming to an end and we were once again blessed to have access to some breeding bulls of the highest quality for rotational grazing.  I am excited to add the A2 genetics into our herd over the long haul, possibly opening up an alternative market for our milk.

We have had a shortage of employees this year and are grateful for friends, both old and new, who have helped us along while we hire new team members.  Thanks, friends!

The dairy industry as a whole is still challenging, but we see some light on the horizon.  We continue to strive to be efficient and manage our cash flow as best as we can. We simplify as much as we can in all areas of our lives and we find that brings us additional peace as well. While it seems to be one challenge after another, we have made it through every tough day so far. Thanks be to God!

We've spent the last few weeks finishing up hay.  We will have one more cutting of oats to harvest yet, along with hauling out the compost barn in preparation for winter.

We had the hoof trimmer out for about 50 cows.

We remembered to cut "the hill" this cutting....an ongoing joke. Here, Dad takes over in the tractor while I go home to swap out kids so they get equal tractor time :).

Just like old times! Except the cab was a bit more crowded than I remember! Mowed a few rounds of sorghum with Dad while we set up the discbine for the crop.

We ran into a few rocks. Fortunately Rick had the parts we needed in the shop. It's bittersweet to see his handwriting on some things, sometimes it takes my breath away. But on this day I said out loud "thank you Rick!" He had all but one nut and a special bolt that we needed to make the repairs. 

You save old knives for Sorghum Sudangrass. Just remember that!

The neighbor had an  awesome crop, though. I only had to change out one knife in this field. I'm excited to see what their yield is.

Funny how towards the end of the season, when a sensor goes bad, you are more willing to run the wrapper manually then stop and take the time to fix it. I should write this needed repair down before next year....

Ha! I got this load all the way home without losing a bale. Lets just say the other people who have hauled for me this summer have not been so successful! A little farm banter helps us enjoy our work a little bit more.

As far as a little inspiration for the day, I would like to remind you that if you don't build your own dream, someone will hire you to build theirs. You will never always be motivated, so you must learn to be disciplined. We're learning a lot around here!

The Trip by the Numbers.

As promised in my previous post, I am going to share with you a few details from our trip. Remember friends, a trip is what you take with kids in tow, a vacation is what you reap in......retirement.

I don't share these things to boast that we got a break from home, but hopefully to help others be able to get a break as well.

This year the kids and I went back to Flint, Texas. We spent one week here after Rick left and in that fog completely missed everything that East Texas has to offer. This time around we were able to enjoy the educational opportunities, the history of the area, and the locals at the church we attended and the resort.

Being just the kids and I, none of which can drive yet, I opted for the two day trip down and back, and we spent about two weeks at the villages.  You can learn more about how I find these arrangements in a previous post:You CAN afford a vacation!

One of the reasons I enjoy homeschooling is that we can go on our schedule. It is rewarding to read and study our country's history, then go see the sites in person.

While we had a great time and some growth as a family, it wasn't as relaxing as some envision. The issues with the dairy industry followed us there, along with odds and ends- like the car I had at the mechanics and a few farm issues.  As you picture us basking in the sun, edit that to keeping 5 kids busy during endless days of rain and a lot of cooking, cleaning, laundry and lunch packing.

The kids enjoyed themselves and all the activities that the resort has to offer. We did a lot of hiking and walking of the grounds, card playing and HGTV watching.I can honestly say I have played enough mini golf to last me a few years now. Maybe more.

I tried to do this trip as frugal as I could. I paid for the condo last year. We were given a gift card for eating out at Christmas, which we used for travel down and back, and one time of eating out per week. I packed lunches for the other days if we were not at the condo over lunchtime. The kids paid for their own activities, and we found many free attractions.  Two of my girlfriends gave me a gift card for coffee (thank you!), and also helped with snacks.  Fuel costs could have been better with anything but a F350 passenger van, however there are not many more vehicles that can fit all 6 of us AND our stuff, that would get better than our average of 13.8 mpg.

Below is a snapshot of our costs. Actual out of pocket costs for this trip were about $2,100.00., with most of the lodging paid for in advance. At the end of the day what I gathered from this spreadsheet is that I need to save about $25/person/day of "vacation" that we wish to take.

On the last day there was sun and humidity before the next set of storms rolled in. I was able to sit on the porch with a cup of coffee and watch the kids play in our mostly deserted unit parking lot. The kids played in the pool, we packed most everything up, ate at a place called The Purple Pig, and talked of what they missed from home. I sat on the back deck for the first time that last night.

I can see why other #solomoms wouldn't do these things. It's exhausting. It's hard to watch everyone. In fact, we had to pull #5 out from under water, not once, but twice. He's fine. But there was no swimming on the way home. That was enough of that!

If there was a year to not spend money on a trip, it is this one. But just like most of you get two days per week away from your workplace, we need that time away as well. It's the price of sanity. It's also my effort to do everything that I can to give these kids somewhat of a normal life.  To give them exposure to different cultures, different areas of the US, to stand on ground that was once a POW camp and see what big city life entails. They are still shortchanged in a few areas, but they will not be able to honestly say that I didn't give it my best.

A few snapshots of our trip.....