The last couple of months have been a blur. We hear people say that every time a tragedy happens, but until you go through it, the truthfulness of that statement is not clearly understood. The depth or our hurt and the everyday reality of his absence is only understood by those who go through it personally.
With great appreciation I thank those who have continued to support us. Those who have made sure we have enough hay brought up for the cows; those who have hauled manure on a regular basis; those who take their weekly turn at the heifer farm; those who have helped with the kids; the mentors who have brainstormed with me concerning our new direction; those who have my back as I try to navigate and create our new normal.
As we sat around the table, sometime around lunchtime that first day (my perception of time is lacking) I remember saying out loud "If anyone brings their checkbook, they can just leave. We are keeping on." I knew I had my closest allies and friends in the room at that moment, and we went right into me verbally spilling everything I could remember as far as feeding schedules and what needed to be done. The neighbors took notes....then it was done. Thank you again friends.
Since then I have been enlightened to the opinions of many....whether I asked for it or not. Those closest to me, that know Rick married a farmer, were not surprised. Those that know my resolve and my passion, were not surprised. As we go along I am enlightened to those that I thought knew me, and those that do not.
I know there is a lot of doubt. I know what it feels like to talk to people who doubt you. When Rick and I first married, and started this dream, there were many doubters. They said "you'll never make it" and "grazing doesn't work". Take a look folks....
Here's the facts....I am only in my thirties. I have a lot of life ahead of me to rally and do great things. My kids are young. They still have hopes and dreams. I have farmed literally my whole life. I do have a college education, but more importantly than that, God gave me real life experience with some of the best grazers in the nation. When I am on top of my game I am driven, passionate, and optimistic about grazing and it's potential.
Here's the difference....I am not on top of my game. I am heartbroken. I am constantly running on 1/8th of a tank of fuel, needing to refuel with only a couple bucks in my pocket (an analogy). This is where my team comes in. This is where my employees go the extra mile, where my friends keep track of hay inventory and stacking pad piles. Where my sisters in Christ help me line up babysitters. Where my neighbors install camera systems, and while they're here, go over the status of my grain bins with me. Right now the order of importance is God, me, (I have to be healthy to care for the..
) kids, and farm. This is where there is no room for doubters. No room for those who question whether I can really pull this off, whether I can put the right people into place to make this work, whether I know how to make the right calls and choices without the head of our family.
Here's the good news...I don't have to. God's got this. For awhile I held back at fully giving over control of this situation to God. I was afraid he was gong to ask me to not farm. At some point he might, but right now He's not. God will provide. God will provide the ideas, the people, the strength, the support, the passion...just like He did the first time. God is working right here, right now.
1 Peter 5:10 May the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.
I have said it before...our lives will never be the same. Having gone through this tragedy and the months before it has impacted us greatly. And although there are days we are doubtful ourselves, we will still...
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