Before You Jump Ship

...read this.

I have pondered on whether I share this or not for a few days now.  Whether it was too personal or not. Whether it would make a difference or not.

Suicide prevention has not been my soap box. Nor will it be. Our situation was not the status quo "Rick was depressed, he committed suicide." Depression may have been a contributing factor but that was not the mold for him.

#5. #5 needed some extra attention. As much as I detest fender riding and children not properly sitting on a "buddy" seat, I sat him on the original buddy seat (my lap), strapped him in with me in the skid loader and fed the cows.

Later that evening after supper was cleaned up, he walked into the kitchen, whimpering. He is almost 5. He was 3 when Rick left. #5 is improving on his speech but I am laying it out exactly as he said it.

#5:  Me sad. Pick me up. (Crying)
Me: Why are you sad?
#5:  Us dad died. Me miss us dad.
Me: We all miss Daddy. Daddy is with Jesus          now.
#5:  Us dad move back into your room.
Me: Daddy is with Jesus. He is not coming
        back. (#5 sobbing hard)
#5:  Me miss Dad!........

I held him close. #3 went and got his favorite monkey. Then laid on the couch with him while I got the snack ready. Anything else that was planned for the evening was now set aside.

People say the little boys probably won't remember. Maybe as they get older some things will fade over time. Take my word for it, that is an awful amount of pain for such a small body to feel. This is the first I have seen him cry like that concerning Rick.

The kids tend to only remember the good things, and that is ok.  It may be selective subconsciously on their part, and occasionally I have to remind them of his illness.

This is where most articles go into preaching mode. The best line to end with would have been "It's not about you.". Ending just your pain, creating lifelong challenges for others. However that is not entirely true either.  You need to take care of yourself so you can care for others.

Jesus first
Others second
Yourself last.

Until you get to that breaking point then it's

Breathe
Relax
Escape (for a little bit )
Ask ....for help with kids, errands, etc.
Kneel.